It's one or the other

I get to the gym yesterday and the running was actually ok. Stellar really, by the standards set of my sunday run.

And I even got those flashes where it was even enjoyable. Not a lot of them, but enough to know why people continue doing this shit.

And my eating was good all day until we got on the bus at 10pm and there was jameson and then a late night stop at denny's...

Downhill is a good word to describe the rest of the evening...

So good and then bad. But i'm here in VA for 6 hours and plan to go to the tiny gym hotel and get something done.

However, EVERYTHING HURTS! a lot. Like, really a lot. My legs are killing me. My left hamstring is crazy painful and everything else just feels ouchy.

I know I need to stretch more. but it seems that taking a break makes things worse, so I'm choosing to run thru it and see how that goes.

I've gotta get thru the historic drinkathon of new years eve and see how everything looks later this week.

more later, including the massage story. Which has just gotten a bit weirder as time has passed...

bad bad nothing but bad

including my attitude...

Sigh.

Yesterday I woke up at 730 with the intention of working out before I went to work at 1030.

and didn't do it.

and didn't eat anything for most of the day but a banana as punishment

and made a very solemn vow that i would go home immediately after our last show at 10pm and work out at the hotel gym - which stays open 24 hours.

and then went out for dinner and made some decent choices - salmon, mashed sweet potatoes, salad and only one piece of bread... - and got halfway into the second show...

wherein there was talk about car bombs after work at the irish bar down the street.

and in the space of an hour, 4 people walked by me and said "are you coming out for car bombs?"

much like passes past the cookie table, this shit wears you down.

So, a not so long but predictable story later, i go out instead of going home.

BUT I only had one car bomb and then drank soda water with lime and got home at 1230.

ugh.

So I got up this morning and went to the gym and my running just sucked ass. I don't know if it was the different treadmill or missing a day or just the alignment of the planets but I.just.couldn't.run.

from minute #1 my legs hurt, my lungs hurt... my brain hurt. my soul hurt a little.

and then I got mad. And kept walking and then running, and trying to modify the incline/mph ratio to make it palatable, nothing worked and then my hamstring started to hurt in this piercing pain kind of way so I finally said something pissy like "so mad about this!" in my out loud voice in this tiny tiny gym hotel surrounded by several actors and musicians - the crowd doing nothing to improve my mood - and turned off the machine and stormed out the door.

nice.

and mature.

I'm sure there's a lesson here. But I do think that despite everything else I'm suffering from two things:

1. The idea that just because I put out effort 4 days in a row I should be seeing drastic improvements and then getting pouty when it doesn't happen...

2. i think I need to eat more regularly. Not just once a day.

So... to that end I came to work, had some oatmeal and a banana and I'll eat something reasonable in between shows and then eat something else when I get back to the hotel tonight.

Also, I'm going to try waking up and doing some yoga first thing to get myself going so I don't sit around for 2 hours debating going to the gym and never going.

again, ugh.

that is all.

Goodbye, Xmas. Hello 2009...

(E) Damn, girl! Good for you! 

I'm putting all of that in the "good" column. It's Christmas, and you worked out with a hangover. That should be an honorary five-pound-loss just on merit!

I didn't work out today, unless you count washing everything in the house that isn't water soluble working out. I don't. And I only got halfway through the house. But I did resist baking cookies and made an awesome pot of posole instead -- low-fat and friggin' delicious.

For the record, the PPs kick my ass, too. I could barely dip. And that was just ONE set. I should start with the "girl" pushups, too = (

All that regular/discipline stuff sounds like a big heaping dose of what I need. (Yes, it's 3:34 a.m., but just couldn't fall asleep). For now, I'm just glad Christmas 2008 is behind us. A week now to get a plan in place for '09 and the rest of my life.

As for zoning out beyond the nagging monkey mind, I'm sure you'll get there. Soon. But I suspect that if you didn't have that photo shoot in Feb. -- and a certain important reunion -- you wouldn't be one-tenth this stressed. 

Don't worry, kid. You're gorgeous, and despite your exacting, self-punishing standards, that body deserves all kinds of beautiful things.

Merry Christmas!

The good: I actually got to the gym and ran both yesterday and today. Unfortunately today I pulled out that stupid "Emergency stop" magnet thing on treadmills that stops the treadmill and deletes all trace of your progress and I'm OCD enough to want to know exactly how many minutes I was on the treadmill and now I don't know!! very upsetting... But I'm pretty sure it was around 30.

I'm having the most trouble with my mind. My body hurts but after the first half mile it loosens up. It's the "Aren't you tired? don't you want to stop? why are you doing this? Just cut it short this one time..." bullshit that loops through my mind that's maddening. I want to just zone out but I have to keep actively crushing that voice in my head. You'd think that would burn a lot more calories, given how much work it is.

And I know I can't keep doing this and hate it. I have to come to some kind of equilibrium and let it just be something I do. not be so invested emotionally... I'm hoping that will come in the next week or the next month will be excruciating.

Yesterday I also did three sets of 10 terrible imperfect pushups. I'm so weak it's frightening and those "perfect pushup" things kick my ass. I have to do girl pushups with them, which hurts my soul a little. I aspire to 3 sets of 10 manly perfect pushups.

The bad: I ate 4 (four!) snack packages of cheetos last night and drank my weight in jameson irish whiskey! I knew I was going to give myself leeway but 4 packages? What the hell???

Today we had a big christmas dinner and I resisted my third serving of mashed potatoes. I'm putting that in the good category since I got my ass to the gym on Christmas day. I'm happy to just have gotten out of bed and done something productive given how much I drank last night... I plan to do some yoga tonight - mostly for the stretching calming benefits - and do my ab workout. It seems I'm going to alternate between running and pushups and running and abs.

So... more running tomorrow and no more leeway on food. I don't have a diet plan right now, I'm kind of making all this up as I go along. My general plan is to practice more discipline in all areas. That includes and isn't limited to: getting more regular sleep, getting up at the same time every day, working out every day and spending less of my free time online - I can probably use the time to sleep instead.

I'll post about the massage here when I get back tonight. It fits in with all of the above stuff...

xoxox to E!

Cookies Be Damned!

(E) Why does nobody put out plates of raw zucchini spears at Christmas? The cookie is a masterful little mind-fuck. How bad can it be if you can finish it in two bites? And if one isn't so bad, how bad can two be? Etc. Love/hate them.

Fortunately, Mom's usual holiday cookies were missing tonight. Dad smoked and grilled turkey and ham respectively. I had the former and only tasted the later. Moderate portions on everything else -- nothing at my family's gatherings is healthful: two deviled eggs, a spoon of potato salad, a bruschetta (one sister is adventuresome), a true sliver of pumpkin pie. 

I didn't quite make the "stop at 80% full" point that nutrition experts advise, but I braked around 90. Work in progress.

And who -- besides fat, balding gay men pushing forty with hypothyroidic small dogs in tow -- goes jogging on Christmas eve?! I was annoyed to find two blokes clogging my jog space at the PCC track, but I did canter a half mile then walk the other half around the campus perimeter. And yes, 10 *very* imperfect pushups (holy crap I'm chest weak) and 50 crunches -- just now = )

Hope you loved the pizza and beer (happy birthday, Big J!). I'll be baking giveaway cookies tomorrow (if I make others bigger, I look smaller by comparison), including a new recipe I heard about on NPR -- Chocolate Crinkle Cookies (the dough is refrigerating now). Plus tackling my first batch of tamales. And the menudo I made today turned out great, even if the house did smell like a campsite bathroom most of the day.

I figure if I can't eat my way through the holidays, I'll cook my way to the other side.

So where do I read about the massage?

Can you be good in anticipation of being bad?

Cuz that's my day currently. Another day of travel and decent food choices, then I got to the theatre and saw a plate of cookies.

I withstood temptation for about an hour but the 10th pass by the table killed me - so so weak! - and I had one. So here's the marginally good thing, I didn't eat all of it cuz it tasted gross. And then here's the bad thing, i proceeded to try them all until I found one that tasted good. Then I picked out the part that was good and ate it.

Then I picked apart 5 other cookies for the good parts and ate them too.

Now I have enough of a sugar rush to go running even though I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Which reminds me that I should tell you about my intensely unusual massage experience at the hotel...

But that's another story.

So I'm gonna go run. And then we have a christmas eve party. And I will eat pizza and drink whiskey because that's how you honor Jesus around these parts.

E, I LOVE the counterpoint blogging. I have no hospital corners but if I did, you would be the first person I invited to jump on them.

Tell me how your day went...

Counterpoint: What Not to Do

E says:

Hell, if I end up looking like Linda Hamilton, forget dating -- I'll be all about having sex with the new, hot me. 

Kudos to you Kaitlyn (note, that's "kudos," not "Kudos," which aren't exactly slim-bod-friendly) for your good choices! And for squeezing in exercise at this crazy time of year AND while traveling. 

For my part, I had and In 'N Out Double-Double with fries for lunch, a bag of peanut M & Ms early evening and a bowl of Ramen noodles for dinner. Crap, I think I just set myself back by a month.

But I'm with you -- let's do this. Now.

For tomorrow, I commit to breaking out the Perfect Pushups and doing at least 10 imperfect pushups. Plus 50 crunches. 

If I have time (I have a ton of stuff to prep for Xmas eve at the folks, including a big vat of greasy menudo that I will gift but not eat), I'll jog/walk at least a mile at the PCC track. 

Is it really OK to blog here with you? I feel like I'm jumping on your hospital-cornered bed. I'm happy to keep my comments constrained to comments, in which case, just delete this post, and I'll let you know how I do tomorrow. Which is technically today. Which means this flabby white body had better hit the sack. We gots some shape gettin' into to do!

day 1+

Mama needs new clothes and a new body because this one deserves nothing!

So... I have to start my regimen this week since I have a month before our next layoff and a photo shoot at the beginning of February.

Yesterday: I did the 3 mile loop at Reid Park running and walking. It sucked pretty hard. I feel really out of shape.

Today: I had a yogurt parfait and some mixed nuts at the airport. I did not choose the tuna salad sandwich like I wanted to.

At the hotel tonight: I got on the treadmill and ran 30 minutes without stopping. It was at 4.8mph so it was just above walking but i didn't quit - for which I'm proud - and it also shows how much easier it is to run on a treadmill than on a sidewalk. But I have to start somewhere so if I run on treadmills and it gets me running... then it's not so bad. And I did abs.

As a reward: I ordered room service :) I wanted the scallops served scampi style over black pepper fettucine BUT instead I ordered the seared salmon, buckwheat noodles and steamed broccoli. It was delicious...

So that's the update.

Tomorrow, I'll get to Albany at 4pm and stop by the theatre to make sure everything's done. We then have a christmas eve party planned - drinks, nosh, present exchange. My goal is to work out before I go - more running until i get in the groove and it isn't so miserable - and to drink and eat less than I want to and be able to be up between 8-9 on Christmas day and work out before our christmas dinner that afternoon.