subconscious

I dreamed about running last night. And it was easy. I ran fast and when I came to a hill, i ran faster. I felt really powerful.

When i did kung fu, I frequently had dreams about fighting. But I always felt stuck or slow. My punches and kicks never connected with any power - in my dreams - and I always felt powerless.

I don't know what's changed. Maybe something? Maybe nothing?

Either way, i'm having to talk myself into running today. It's cold out, we check out today and then have a really long night followed by very little sleep and another extremely long day tomorrow. Plus I'm fighting off a cold.

Makes me want to hibernate. But I want to keep dreaming about being powerful. So probably, I should be contributing to those feelings in my waking life...

and also

E:
A. thank you for your compliments. Truly complimentary coming from you...

B. you are right about both food and being hard on myself.

C. Broke up with the boyfriend. It was inevitable and anticlimactic and I'm 98% certain he's got someone else now. I have mixed feelings about it in that I feel that I should have been able to make it work, that I didn't want to make it work, and that he should have tried harder to make it work. Reasonable portions of blame all around. But I also know it was the right thing to do, that it wasn't working - at all - and some of the elements of the brokenness were beyond my control. I am keeping myself from contacting him because I know that i don't want to know what he's really doing. I also have no plans to see him and don't know that i will. So, I guess that is that.

D. Go to gypsy queen for the latest...

I enjoy writing you letters via blog post. Thank you for listening. :)

goodness...

I was doing well enough for a bit there, that i stopped posting because I figured that no one wants to hear a success story.

So... i'm back.

it's not all bad. not really. I haven't run much this week - only 3 times and my food has been all over the place. Mostly i miss the satisfaction of having run every day. I am seeing a few small results but mostly I feel that I hold myself back. I don't run as fast or as far as I can because I A. get bored on the treadmill or B. Don't think i can do it.

But I did run outside on the actual road in the actual world this week and it was kind of startling to know that I could do 3 miles and probably more if I just put my mind to it. I would benefit from being able to run outside all the time but it's been about 15 degrees here in nashville and we're headed for upstate NY where it's about 4 degrees. That's just too cold. it requires a whole different running wardrobe than I have. So I'll stick with a treatmill until it warms up a bit.

Which is the week after when I'm in honduras. And that's another story that I'm posting on gypsy queen.

Seven Responses

(E) 

1. You are such a good writer. And I don't say that casually.

2. You should eat more than once a day. Like, 6 times a day. Carry Balance bars in your boots like daggers. Carry little ziplocs with 14 almonds. Carry turkey jerky. Really -- it's counter-intuitive, but it's harder to lose weight when you don't eat.

3. Sorry about your boyfriend = ( I'm guessing the getting angry and storming about and being pouty isn't *all* about not seeing instant results. You'd probably be more patient if things were going right in all other areas of your life. Maybe stop using words like "good" and "bad" and be a little more self-loving and less self-punishing? Positive reinforcement works with dogs. Don't rub your nose in it when you poop on the carpet.

4. I love the running-not-walking metaphor and the whole theme of your last entry. I think Jen did have a great year. And Angie's doing well. And frankly my dear, from where I sway, you look pretty damn successful! Truly. That said, I love your passion for pushing your boundaries, self-actualizing, figuring everything out and living with purpose, determination and zest. I've also realized I don't know what I want, and this is the year to figure it out.

5. On a more down-to-earth note, I haven't done much in the way of becoming Linda Hamilton, but I do think I'm less puffy just by virtue of giving up meat (more on that later). I swear, those growth hormones in livestock don't do us any favors! I did manage to make it to the gym today for 30 min of yoga and some light sets on 3 weight machines. Easing back into things after a prolonged laziness.

6. My own resolutions:

A. Give up mass-farmed, land-locked meat, which pretty much translates into eating only plant and marine life + animal by-products.

B. Give up smoking, except that I've given myself the option to smoke when getting head because a) it is the most decadent experience in the world to have a drink and a smoke while someone is performing on you the oral sex, and b) my guy thinks its hot (and you must never tell him I shared that).

C. Spend at least 30 minutes a day, every day, doing one of the following seven things: reading a book, meditating, exercising, practicing guitar, practicing ASL, writing, learning to do something I didn't know how to do in 2008. I call these my "7/30s."

And then there's a fourth category (D-ish) that's loosey goosey -- no quantification -- simply to pay more attention to (attend more to): karma, magic, appreciating something every day, living my values, celebrating the small stuff, noticing beauty, growing (as a person, not in girth), seeing details, loving, patience (I know, some of these are verbs and some nouns -- not my best work), forgiveness ("self-" included), never taking offense, seeing the end in the beginning, seeing people for their souls, living deliberately, attracting what I want, not fomenting negativity, not being stopped by fear, accepting (embracing) change, cultivating peace, being honest, being open, living my taoist affirmations, self-respect, becoming myself.

Whew!

7. I'm happy to say I have kept all of my resolutions to date. And yes, I have had a cigarette in 2009 ;)

----

That's it for now. Sending you good vibes. You -- like Jen (yes, you, Jen Wilson!), are heroic, whether you feel it or not. And when you don't feel it, just ask me. I'll tell ya.

Shaking off the old and letting go

Ran yesterday and ran today.

My new years resolutions are:

1. run every day
2. fit into my skinny jeans by my photo shoot

I'm giving up on my boyfriend, who i have now emailed three times with no response. I don't think i should see him in february.

I'm beginning a process of letting go of him. Letting go of some of my ideas about myself and letting go of the idea that I know what I want. I don't.

To that end, I would like to take this year to discover what I want. Explore different facets of myself and push my boundaries.

Last year on new year's eve, I joined some of my best friends in new mexico for the weekend. Jen was DETERMINED, as only she can be, to make her next year better than the previous one. She did all kinds of research on new years rituals, good luck omens and practices and we did them all. I think she has had one of the best years of her life. A healing year. I don't know that the results were as dramatic for the rest of us.

I don't think I need a dramatic change in my next year. But I need to move forward. I want to run forward this year. Steadily, fiercely and intently. Fast or slow depends on the day.

But running, for sure. No more walking.

It's one or the other

I get to the gym yesterday and the running was actually ok. Stellar really, by the standards set of my sunday run.

And I even got those flashes where it was even enjoyable. Not a lot of them, but enough to know why people continue doing this shit.

And my eating was good all day until we got on the bus at 10pm and there was jameson and then a late night stop at denny's...

Downhill is a good word to describe the rest of the evening...

So good and then bad. But i'm here in VA for 6 hours and plan to go to the tiny gym hotel and get something done.

However, EVERYTHING HURTS! a lot. Like, really a lot. My legs are killing me. My left hamstring is crazy painful and everything else just feels ouchy.

I know I need to stretch more. but it seems that taking a break makes things worse, so I'm choosing to run thru it and see how that goes.

I've gotta get thru the historic drinkathon of new years eve and see how everything looks later this week.

more later, including the massage story. Which has just gotten a bit weirder as time has passed...

bad bad nothing but bad

including my attitude...

Sigh.

Yesterday I woke up at 730 with the intention of working out before I went to work at 1030.

and didn't do it.

and didn't eat anything for most of the day but a banana as punishment

and made a very solemn vow that i would go home immediately after our last show at 10pm and work out at the hotel gym - which stays open 24 hours.

and then went out for dinner and made some decent choices - salmon, mashed sweet potatoes, salad and only one piece of bread... - and got halfway into the second show...

wherein there was talk about car bombs after work at the irish bar down the street.

and in the space of an hour, 4 people walked by me and said "are you coming out for car bombs?"

much like passes past the cookie table, this shit wears you down.

So, a not so long but predictable story later, i go out instead of going home.

BUT I only had one car bomb and then drank soda water with lime and got home at 1230.

ugh.

So I got up this morning and went to the gym and my running just sucked ass. I don't know if it was the different treadmill or missing a day or just the alignment of the planets but I.just.couldn't.run.

from minute #1 my legs hurt, my lungs hurt... my brain hurt. my soul hurt a little.

and then I got mad. And kept walking and then running, and trying to modify the incline/mph ratio to make it palatable, nothing worked and then my hamstring started to hurt in this piercing pain kind of way so I finally said something pissy like "so mad about this!" in my out loud voice in this tiny tiny gym hotel surrounded by several actors and musicians - the crowd doing nothing to improve my mood - and turned off the machine and stormed out the door.

nice.

and mature.

I'm sure there's a lesson here. But I do think that despite everything else I'm suffering from two things:

1. The idea that just because I put out effort 4 days in a row I should be seeing drastic improvements and then getting pouty when it doesn't happen...

2. i think I need to eat more regularly. Not just once a day.

So... to that end I came to work, had some oatmeal and a banana and I'll eat something reasonable in between shows and then eat something else when I get back to the hotel tonight.

Also, I'm going to try waking up and doing some yoga first thing to get myself going so I don't sit around for 2 hours debating going to the gym and never going.

again, ugh.

that is all.